How does it feel to be dead and come back to life?
It wasn’t just a nightmare, but the existence of some other reality.
As I opened my eyes in a terror of knowing where I was, it was some dark pit. Or hell? I was surrounded by the darkness, I looked around, everywhere, couldn’t see anything even with my opened eyes, no signs of light, im not even sure if there’s any air around me because I couldn’t feel my heart beats and my breaths. It was like as almost as if ‘I was dead’
I felt, someone’s here, but who’s he? Or she? Why does it feel like they are here to torment me, or maybe kill me?
I could feel its presence — the heaviness and weight of something massive over me, it was not a human body, because I could feel no flesh. But I was trapped and caught up by this evil force around me, I began to put my whole strength in moving my hand sequentially to my forehead, lower chest, and both shoulders, from the right to left — trying to do the sign of the Cross. I felt — that thing was trying to stop me, hold me back from making the sign of the cross, but I could hear my own voice, loudly and clearly. I remember saying ‘in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, amen’ still, It was strong and was still trying to stop me but I was becoming more powerful and resisting this dark force. As soon as I finished making the sign of the cross. I started feeling a little lighter, I continued my pray — acknowledging that whatever was trying to stop me, now it’s going away from me. I remember asking Jesus to help me fight this demon, monster, or whatever that was and help me get out of this dark pit which I knew only exists in my nightmare. I knew very well that back in reality im in my room, sleeping alone on my bed in my Pink Panther blanket, my phone attached to my headphones lying around somewhere under my blanket — the book im reading these days ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney, by my pillow — my hamsters, in their metal and strong plastic cage which I keep not far from my bed so I can check up on them every time I wake up during the nights, and by this time my hamsters would probably running in their wheel inside the cage. As I was asking Jesus to help me get back to my room by remembering all those tiny details about my room, I felt relieved, free and delivered by that thing — who or which was tormenting me.
Finally, once again, as I opened my eyes, this time not in a terror of knowing where I was, my room, the rays of light coming through the half-closed wooden door and I could see it, the light, my room, my hamsters' cage— I could see everything. I could even feel the air coming from the small stand-fans which are very common in many households in Cambodia. the air was blowing my hair, I felt the cold breeze on my face, while putting my both hands over my face and sliding my hair behind my ears — I felt my heart beating, actually not just beating but ponding, loud enough that I could almost hear it’s beating and of course, I was breathing, heavily but still breathing. So I took one very long breathe. Breathed in. Breathed out. I’m alive, I supposed.
I picked up my blanket, peeked in the cage to see my hamsters, and left my room closing the door properly behind me and went to my mother’s room. She was sleeping but was awake as soon as I opened the door to her room and entered and started walking towards her.
‘Nightmare?’ she asked while moving a little backwards to make a space for me to sleep next to her. ‘Another victory over some demons in my sleep, with the help of Jesus’ I said, while thinking about what I just said and lying in bed with her and closing my eyes while she put her arm around me and held me as I fell asleep.